I sit in silence to quiet myself because I cannot quiet the world.
Am I these thoughts? These crazy, sharp-edged, rotating thoughts that chase me from morning to night?
Nah, I say. I’m just me. This skin. These bones. This is all I own. Oh, and maybe this heart.
* strokes chin slowly, as though deep in thought *
Well… that, and all these fucked up thoughts.
Insistent, persistent, ghosts spin and swarm. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
They never let me be.
They never let me see.
They never let me walk.
They never let me talk.
Like tripping over a stone.
Like they’re calling me on the phone.
I want to fly up and see
all the dust an’ glee.
In my heart,
I know they’re not me
They never sit in silence.
Always going on about this
or going on about that.
They’re on my tail.
They’re on my trail.
I know I can’t shake them.
I know I can only be them.
Or maybe they can only ever be me.
The lights are all off
my eyes are closed
and now the world disappears.
My breathing slows,
there’s nothing for a moment.
Now my mind unfolds.
A blue light cast down.
It came from nowhere.
My eyes closed,
my face like stone.
Frozen in time.
Lost in my mind.
There’s nothing there.
August 23, 2022 – Calling Out
Wind turbines tumble slowly in the distance as the last light from a setting sun spills over the land.
I race after her, our footsteps in sync, as tiny branches snap under our feet.
She hasn’t let up or sped up and I’m struggling to keep up. It’s like she wants me to stay just a feet steps behind her. Or follow her. But she doesn’t want to get away. Because if she did, she’d already be gone.
Dripping sweat fills the small spaces. Warm, humid air fills the rest. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. God damn it. It’s like she’s a machine. Where the hell is she going?
The few trees that had surrounded us gave way to an open field. Our footsteps are quieter but the crunching of dried grass causes nearby birds to rustle. Crickets have just started to come out.
Now clear of the trees, the turbines grow in size with each step. Standing guard on the plain, each one looks like it was carved out stone, except that they’re spinning. Slowly spinning. Their simplicity and size gives them a certain majesty. Like something ancient or alien or somehow beyond us. We’re getting closer and there’s got to be a hundred of them. I look up to watch a blade and track it’s rotation as it spins around and around. Mesmerized, I lose track of her.
How could I lose her on an open field? There’s no way. She must have just disappeared. What’s happening?
This is not good. I’m afraid of what she’s going to do. I know she has a plan. She’s too smart not to. Something’s going on.
I stop running to listen for her footsteps and because I am too tired to go on. There is nothing. No sounds. Not even crickets.
Shit. I feel something in the air. It’s like low level static electricity. But it’s building. Rising. Now there’s a sound. A rhythmic hum. The dimming-blue sky just entered twilight. I just entered a panic. I’m running out of time.
The rhythmic hum is now a ratcheting pulse. It’s getting louder. The air is prickly with electricity. I hear some sort of metal on metal sound just beyond a slight hill. It’s only a few seconds run away.
I run to it as fast as I can. Out of breath, I made it to the top of the hill. Up ahead in a little valley a fog starts to slide down the hillsides. It’s collecting around a metal antennae or something. I have no idea what it is. But it’s big and it’s doing something.
The sound has gotten louder. It’s almost unbearable. It reaches a high-pitched squeal, then shoots a massive pulse of electricity into space.
What the fuck?! I’m too late. What did she do?
Now I see her. She’s walking toward me.
HIDDEN IN THE HILLS somewhere deep in Colorado a fractal-like antennae sparked to life. Its metallic arms twisted and contorted in shrinking self-similar shapes only a few feet above the obscured entrance to a long-forgotten missile silo. A low mechanical hum rose from a maze of unseen tunnels and shafts and the air grew crisp and tight. It was a cool cloudless night.
Purplish-blue light fell from the fractal and lit up the tree-covered scene with a glow. Tiny sparks shot back from each tree as their leaves and branches vibrated in the gentle wind. The reflected light danced all around. It looked a little like Christmas in a 1950’s town. It was fifteen minutes to midnight.
The hum wobbled as if synchronized with the flickering lights. Then, without pause, the sounds quickly ratchetted to a high-pitched squeal. Static electricity rippled through the air and the antennae discharged in a flash with an ear-shattering snap.
Sleeping birds shot up, tree branches cracked. Dust lifted off the dry ground and briefly traced two paths, one due East and one due West. Something left. Two rays of light.
A single silhouette appeared from nowhere and looked to the sky. It was woman, slender and tall. She scanned her surroundings then brought an instrument to her eyes and rescanned the scene. Shaking her head, she withdrew the object from her face then disappeared back into the hillside.
Moments later, about 300 miles west of Shelter Cove, California, a pool of fog started to form just above the Pacific Ocean. At the very same moment, over a thousand miles away, a smallish meteor appeared out of nowhere and streaked across the sky. It crashed into the ground near Chillicothe, Ohio.
I AM A SPECTER of myself. The shell of what I once was. Or could have been. I’m going to say those words again… or could have been. I don’t know who I am anymore. Or what’s real. Or if anything’s actually real.
The blending of dreams and reality has left me lost and alone and sitting in this corner rocking back and forth like a small child. I wish I had never picked up that stone. Curiosity over fear. Sometimes go with fear.
Just when I thought I had things sort of figured out. The stone took me deeper. Deeper than I wanted to go. Deeper than I thought one could go. I’ve seen things that shouldn’t be possible. Not sure if it’s magic or some kind of hyper-advanced technology or if I’ve lost my mind. Right now, I think I’ve lost my mind. Yes, most likely, I’ve lost my damn mind.
Listen. To. This. Even though it won’t make sense, yet.
Earlier today, I almost missed my train. My last class ran late and I needed to ask the professor a question about just exactly when she thinks I will ever need to use the Jacobian in real life. Real life, such a strange term nowadays. Maybe it always was. Anyway, she said it wasn’t necessarily about the Jacobian. But then leaned in toward me and said, well, maybe for me it was. I just stared at her until I couldn’t hear her words anymore. I think I willed her to stopped saying crazy things. After a moment, I realized she hadn’t really stopped talking. I long-blinked as if waking from a dizzying dream and heard her last word: mathematics.
After that nonsense, I bolted down the street. Two blocks without losing my breath – all this being late is paying off. I took the subway stairs in two giant, dangerous leaps, barely missing an elderly women, some kids, and a god damn flight attendant. I flew over the turnstile with backpack in tow and managed to slide into the subway car just as the doors closed. Yes, just like in the movies.
As I came to rest my backpack slid off. I slipped it back over my right shoulder and spun around to face the center of the crowded subway car. And there I was, face-to-face with a calm, yet fierce-looking brunette. I was literally not even six inches from her face. We were practically kissing. (I keep thinking about that.) She had sharp features and piercing eyes. It was like she was… made. Somehow chiseled out of stone.
I took a step back, because we were too close. Yes, it was hard to do. And then it happened… our eyes locked and the shells opened. But it wasn’t the typical handful of semi-transparent, concentric spheres depicting the thoughts and beliefs behind the eyes. This was something else. This wasn’t human.
Her thoughts ran and danced like a fractal full of fireworks. Mesmerizing. Dizzying. The shells extended beyond the train car. I had no idea where they stopped. Or if they stopped. They were so complicated. I’d never seen anything like it before.
And even as I say it now, I still don’t believe it was real. I keep wondering if I imagined it. I know I didn’t. Either it was real or my whole damn life is a dream.
I took a step back and was stopped by the door.
She narrowed her dark eyes and peered into me.
I was confused. Uncontrollably confused. She scanned my stricken face, searching for clues. I could sense her uncertainty. She didn’t understand me. I needed to get out. I needed to get away. Something was wrong with her. Or me.
Like I said. Or me.
Moments later the train stopped and the doors opened with a shush. I stepped out and bolted into the rushing crowd.
And now, now I’m cowering in the corner, wondering what just happened. What was she What’s going on? I want to see her again.I need to understand what’s going on. Maybe it is curiosity over fear after all.
I will look for her tomorrow.
I wrote this for you…
I live in more than one world. Sometimes straddling the space between them stretches my mind too far. And I forget where I am. Is this the one where I’m happy? Is this the one where I’m sad? Is this the one where I’m safe? I’ve lost track. In fact, I’ve lost myself.
Maybe parts of me are stuck in each of the worlds. Maybe I’m not really me anymore. Now that I think of it, I think I lost my self somewhere along the way.
Anyway… I walk through a door and then another door and then another. This is how it always is. I shed versions of my self along the way.
A high-pitched whistle coming from above.
I look to the sky and track a streak of white light that vanished in a flash. Where is this? The trajectory burned into my eyes, I trace it to the ground. Something fell from the sky. It’s there. I know it is. I know it’s there somewhere.
I am alone. Always alone.
No one else is outside. Why would they be? It’s nearly 2 A.M. On a Thursday night.Why am I outside? Why am I awake? Good questions.
I listen to the crickets. The ones near me fall silent as I walk. The others stir. Frogs from the pond are mostly asleep and a gentle warm breeze slides softly through the air. I can hear the rustling of the tall grass. Blades crashing into blades. Such a pleasant, soothing sound. It almost sounds like rain trying to wash away my pain.
Thinking back. Just minutes ago I was looking out my bedroom window into the soft, moon-lit night. Then I was in my backyard. Now I am in a field and something on the ground nearby is smoldering. Little orange embers sizzle softly on the tall grass. Little strips peeled off now curled and charred. Beneath them a glowing rock. Or meteor. Or whatever thing just streaked down from the sky.
I kneel down and look at it. I want to take it. But it looks too hot. Actually, I can feel the heat. I decide to wait. I sit next to it and study the pattern that winds around it. It’s like an inside out amethyst. No. It’s not. Now its smooth. It just changed.
What the fuck? What is this? I want to run away. But I don’t. Curiosity over fear. Always.
I’m not sure what I’m looking at. The shape keeps shifting. Now it looks like it’s on fire. Purplish fire. What the hell? What the hell world am I in now?
Back to just waiting. I decide to lay back and look at the stars. From this distance they don’t appear to change. But everything else does. Like life. That changes. In fact, everything changes.
Everything. All the time.
All is flux.
I will wait for this clever stone to cool down and stop morphing around. Shit. I just heard a sound.
Other voices, not my own. They’re getting louder. Oh no! They’re coming for the stone. I look at it and wish it were cooler. I want to pick it up. It’s too hot and it looks too heavy. Now I’m mad. What was I planning to do, roll it home?
A crack and hiss.
It opened up. Like an egg, two halves split. Hovering inside is another stone. Smaller. Almost an arrowhead. Slender, pointy, and a little like a triangle. It’s decorated. With symbols. Symbols? What the fuck is this thing? Stones don’t hover.
Voices growing louder. I hear three people. I grab the little hovering stone and run.
I run all the way home.